Christmas Jokes

What To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like


10. Hey! There's a gift I've never seen before

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. Everyone has one of these - now I do too!

3. This will go great "Under" my trenchcoat!

2. To think -- I vowed to give one of my gifts to charity this year - this is perfect.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."


Thank You Notes

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."


Baby Jesus is missing

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

Old Fashioned Christmas List

Merry Christmas to Everyone.

Christmas is such a busy time of year. Take time out to enjoy Christmas with family or friends. Bring back some old fashioned fun and wonderment into Christmas.


1. Go door to door caroling

2. Go Skating

3. Have hot chocolate with a friend

4. Bake a birthday cake for Jesus

5. Share baked cookies with a neighbor

6. Play secret santa at your workplace

7. Say "Merry Christmas" to the bus driver, cab driver, store clerk etc.

8. Smile

9. Make special Christmas gifts (if you have the time)

10. Visit a seniors home

11. Volunteer for a charity

12. Just sit by a lit Christmas tree

13. Thank God for Life and all the good things in it

14. Go looking at lights displays

15. Spend time with your loved ones

16. Read the Christmas story with your family or friends

17. Invite someone to Christmas dinner

18. Stop trying to cram too many things into the holidays - quality is more important than quantity.

19. Remember this Christmas with photos

20. Don't go overboard with overspending - Visa or Mastercard may be very happy come January, and you may not be.

God's Pharmacy

This is some really fascinating information.

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.



A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.




Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.





A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.



Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.




Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.




Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (mo dern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).



Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.






Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.




Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries






Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.




Onions look like the body's cells. Research shows onions clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. Garlic also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

Onions - food or medicine?

I always check the validity of all those "warning emails" when I receive one in my email box. I just received an email that talked about onions being a cure for the flu virus. I tried googling to see if that was true or just a wives tale. While I didn't find much about the flu and onions, I did find some other interesting uses for onions. Have you ever tried any of these home remedies?

Smell remover
Eliminate the smell of paint from a room by leaving a peeled onion out.

Rust Removal
Slice an onion with a rusty knife and it will clean off the discoloration.

Athlete’s foot soother
Rub a sliced onion on itchy area until it's relieved.

Earache remedy
Put an onion slice over the ear opening until the pain subsides.

Eyewash
If there is a speck of dust in your eye, chop up an onion and let your tears wash it out.

Natural decongestant
An onion is a natural decongestant. Make some onion juice by slicing and put sugar in it. Swallow.

Smelling salts
Hold a cut onion under the nose of a person who is feeling faint.

Sting soother
If you have been stung by a bee or mosquito, cut an onion in half and hold it on the sting. It will cool the foot and take the pain away.

Wart remover
Rub a stubborn wart with a raw onion dipped in salt; repeat until the wart disappears.

Screen door de-mister
Rub a cut onion on the inside of your screen to prevent it from misting up on a cold morning.

Crayon Facts

Crayons have been around for years. I am sure we all remember having them as kids. Did you ever wonder what the story is with crayons and how they came to be? The most well-known of all crayon brands of course, is Crayola. Here are some interesting facts:

What is a Crayon? A crayon is a stick of colored wax Wax. Wax has traditionally referred to a substance that is secreted by bees and used by them in constructing their honeycombs.It is an imprecisely defined term generally understood to be a substance with properties similar to beeswax.(from absoluteastronomy.com)

Facts:
1. The first box of Crayola crayons was sold in 1903 for a nickel and included the same colors available in the eight-count box today: red, blue, yellow, green, violet, orange, black and brown.

2. Crayola crayons come in 120 colors including 23 reds, 20 greens, 19 blues, 16 purples, 14 oranges, 11 browns, 8 yellows, 2 grays, 2 coppers, 2 blacks, 1 white, 1 gold and 1 silver.

3. In the last 98 years, more than 100 billion Crayola crayons have been made.

4. The name Crayola was coined by Alice Binney, wife of company founder
Edwin, and a former school teacher. She combined the words craie, which
is French for chalk, and ola, for oleaginous, because crayons are made
from petroleum based paraffin.

5. Crayola crayon labels are only made in 18 colors.

6. Binney & Smith, maker of Crayola products, produces nearly 3 billion crayons each year, an average of twelve million daily. That's enough to circle the globe 6 times. It would take about 400 million crayons to go around the world.

7. The best seller is the 24 count box of crayons.

Can you read this?

Can you read this? Amazingly, most people can.



"i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!"

The Perfect Gift

A hug is the perfect gift
One size fits all
And no one minds if you exchange it.
~Author Unknown

We're so wonderfully made

Summer seems to be a really hard time to keep up with blogs. I'm making sure to do a little between days away. I was sent this cute email and thought this was the appropriate place for it:



I'm So Wonderfully Made!!

1. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3. The smallest is the male sperm.

4. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11 It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ... Now remove your thumb from your nose and pass this on to the friends you think might be interested in comparing their thumbs to their noses as well.

A dieter's menu

Do you hate diets? This is one diet that seems to start out right with healthy choices and end up looking very rich and tasty.



Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea:
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

A Child's view of Love

A group of professionals posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds; "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if
you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age; 5

Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 6

Smile, for you never know who is falling in love with it!

Things we can learn from a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before arising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Amazing But True - The Deadly Substance

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical ‘dihydrogen monoxide". And for plenty of good reasons since:
It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting. It is a major component in acid rain. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state. Accidental inhalation can kill you. It contributes to erosion. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes. It has been found inside the tumors of terminal cancer patients.
He asked 50 people if they supported the ban of this chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes.
Six (6) were undecided.
Only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize-winning project was ‘How Gullible Are We?’
He feels the conclusion is obvious.

Happy Canada Day!!

Well, I may be in the USA on Canada Day, but I am wishing every Canadian a Happy Canada Day!!

Walt Disney Quotes

I am on holiday and went to Disneyland for the first time ever! I was a little disappointed that the castle isn't nearly as large as they portray on the commercials. It was still great to have the experience. Here are some quotes that the park's originator Walt Disney had to say.


"I am interested in entertaining people, in bringing pleasure, particularly laughter, to others, rather than being concerned with 'expressing' myself with obscure creative impressions."

"We are not trying to entertain the critics. I'll take my chances with the public."
-
"You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality."
-
"All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures. It is the very nature of fantasy and fable."
-
"When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do. And one thing it takes to accomplish something is courage."
-
"I don't like formal gardens. I like wild nature. It's just the wilderness instinct in me, I guess."

"Somehow I can't believe there are any heights that can't be scaled by a man who knows the secret of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C's. They are Curiosity, Confidence, Courage, and Constancy and the greatest of these is Confidence. When you believe a thing, believe it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably."
-
"We allow no geniuses around our Studio."
-
"Movies can and do have tremendous influence in shaping young lives in the realm of entertainment towards the ideals and objectives of normal adulthood."
-
"I never called my work an 'art' It's part of show business, the business of building entertainment."
-
"I am not influenced by the techniques or fashions of any other motion picture company."
-
"Whenever I go on a ride, I'm always thinking of what's wrong with the thing and how it can be improved."
-
"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."
-
"Laughter is America's most important export."
-
"People still think of me as a cartoonist, but the only thing I lift a pen or pencil for these days is to sign a contract, a check, or an autograph."
-
"Why do we have to grow up? I know more adults who have the children's approach to life. They're people who don't give a hang what the Joneses do. You see them at Disneyland every time you go there. They are not afraid to be delighted with simple pleasures, and they have a degree of contentment with what life has brought - sometimes it isn't much, either."
-
"The era we are living in today is a dream of coming true."
-
"There is more treasure n books than in all the pirates' loot on Treasure Island and at the bottom of the Spanish Main ... and best of all, you can enjoy these riches every day of your life."
-
"Your dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway."
-
"Or heritage and ideals, our code and standards - the things we live by and teach our children - are preserved or diminished by how freely we exchange ideas and feelings."
-

"I have been up against tough competition all my life. I wouldn't know how to get along without it."
-
"Crowded classrooms and half-day sessions are a tragic waste of our greatest national resource - the minds of our children."
-
"You reach a point where you don't work for money."
-
"Of all of our inventions for mass communication, pictures still speak the most universally understood language."
-
"I have no use for people who throw there weight around as celebrities, or for those who fawn over you just because you are famous."
-
"Adults are interested if you don't play down to the little 2 or 3 year olds or talk down. I don't believe in talking down to children. I don't believe in talking down to any certain segment. I like to kind of just talk in a general way to the audience. Children are always reaching."
-
"A man should never neglect his family for business."

"When we consider a project, we really study it--not just the surface idea, but everything about it. And when we go into that new project, we believe in it all the way. We have confidence in our ability to do it right. And we work hard to do the best possible job."
-
"I believe in being an motivator."
-
About Mickey Mouse
"I only hope that we don't lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a mouse."
-
"Mickey Mouse is, to me, a symbol of independence. He was a means to an end."
-
"When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it's because he's so human; and that is the secret of his popularity."

"He popped out of my mind onto a drawing pad 20 years ago on a train ride from Manhattan to Hollywood at a time when business fortunes of my brother Roy and myself were at lowest ebb and disaster seemed right around the corner."

"Born of necessity, the little fellow literally freed us of immediate worry. He provided the means for expanding our organization to its present dimensions and for extending the medium cartoon animation towards new entertainment levels. He spelled production liberation for us."

"We felt that the public, and especially the children, like animals that are cute and little. I think we are rather indebted to Charlie Chaplin for the idea. We wanted something appealing, and we thought of a tiny bit of a mouse that would have something of the wistfulness of Chaplin- a little fellow trying to do the best he could."

"The life and ventures of Mickey Mouse have been closely bound up with my own personal and professional life. It is understandable that I should have sentimental attachment for the little personage who played so big a part in the course of Disney Productions and has been so happily accepted as an amusing friend wherever films are shown around the world. He still speaks for me and I still speak for him."

About Disneyland

"To all that come to this happy place: welcome. Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past, and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals, the dreams, and the hard facts that have created America... with hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world."

"Biggest problem? Well, I'd say it's been my biggest problem all my life. MONEY. It takes a lot of money to make these dreams come true. From the very start it was a problem. Getting the money to open Disneyland. About seventeen million it took. And we had everything mortgaged including my personal insurance."

"It's no secret that we were sticking just about every nickel we had on the chance that people would really be interested in something totally new and unique in the field of entertainment."

"I don't want the public to see the world they live in while they're in the Park (Disneyland). I want to feel they're in another world."

"When we opened Disneyland, a lot of people got the impressions that it was a get-rich-quick thing, but they didn't realize that behind Disneyland was this great organization that I built here at the Studio, and they all got into it and we were doing it because we loved to do it."

"We did it (Disneyland), in the knowledge that most of the people I talked to thought it would be a financial disaster - closed and forgotten within the first year."

"I first saw the site for Disneyland back in 1953, In those days it was all flat land - no rivers, no mountains, no castles or rocket ships - just orange groves, and a few acres of walnut trees."

"It's something that will never be finished. Something that I can keep developing...and adding to."

"Disneyland will never be completed. It will continue to grow as long as there is imagination left in the world."

"We believed in our idea - a family park where parents and children could have fun- together."

"Disneyland is a work of love. We didn't go into Disneyland just with the idea of making money."

"Disneyland is the star, everything else is in the supporting role."

"Disneyland is a show."

"It has that thing - the imagination, and the feeling of happy excitement- I knew when I was a kid."

40 ways to receive Joy

I'm on a road trip to California for a Conference...It's nice to have a holiday.


Joy is...



01. Falling in love.
02. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
03. A hot shower.
04. No lines at the supermarket
05. A special glance.
06. Getting mail
07. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
08. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
09. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Funnny Phone Messages

What kind of message do you have on your voice mail? Mine is just one of those boring ones that say who we are and to call back. If you could think up something creative, what would you put on your voice mail? Some people had some time on their hands and came up with some funny messages. Enjoy:

1. "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

2. "Hello. Now it's your turn to say something."

3. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

4. "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

5. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

6. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

7. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

8. "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

9. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

Funny Signs

I am sure these signs caught attention:



Sign on an electrician’s truck - Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop - We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area - If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room Door - “Push, Push, Push”
On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist’s Office - If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Scientist’s Door - Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist’s Window - Time wounds all heels.

Butcher’s window - Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot - Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.

Auto Body Shop - May we have the next dents?

Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Beauty Shop - Dye now!

Computer Store - Out for a quick byte

Diner Window - Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Music Library - Bach in a minuet.

Once upon a time...not very long ago

It's amazing how as a society we have become so dependent on computers. We do our work and school on them, balance our finances, search for shopping and phone numbers, stay in contact with friends and family, store our digital photos and our entire music collection, play games and many other things. Just a very short time ago really, computers were not a common household thing. They were a mere dream on a science fiction show or a clunky machine that you rarely found in large office buildings. The computer was for work only. Now we use computers as a part of our everyday life. (I can't wait until I get my computer back. A friend is replacing parts for me and reinstalling the operating system. A borrowed computer is great, but I miss my own computer)

Once upon a time...not very long ago

A Computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.

Windows were something you hated to clean

Ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girl.

Gig was something a band played at.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a portable piano.

Memory was something that you needed for tests at school.

A CD was a bank account.

A disc was something in your back.

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file.

Log-on was adding wood to the fire.

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

A backup happened to your septic system.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.

Paste, you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu.

What were they THINKING!?

These people in the following true life instances certainly weren't thinking. Maybe they needed more sleep. - my comments in red


AT WORK:

In a retail store:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.(Who'd have thought it?)

From an Environmentalist:
A tip from the Environmental Health and Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” (ya think?!)

In the Neighborhood:
A semi-rural area recently had a new neighbor who called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. (When did deer learn to read?)

In Food Service:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


For Real?

1. At the airport, checking in at the gate, an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” The passenger said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.” (I'm not sure how this guy got hired.

2. At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing,”, the manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. Everyone just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.(I hope it wasn't a foreshadowing of things to come)

4. An Individual plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.(Now THAT's funny!)

5. After arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, the couple were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. Watching from the passenger’s side, the wife instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” She announced to the technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. - “I already got that side.”(Would you want him working on YOUR car?)

Author Unknown

Job Offerings

There are lots of people seeking work at this time of the year. College students are now finished and in search of summer jobs. As well, since some companies have been forced to downsize, so many people are out on the job hunt. In this economic time, here is what some companies are offering to perspective employees. Would you go to work for the company offering THESE incentives??


1. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

3. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

4. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

5. CAREER-MINDED:We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

6. SELF-MOTIVATED:Management won't answer questions

7. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend

8. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

9. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.

10. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

11. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

12. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

13. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

14. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Confused Students

Here's one for teachers. This is a way to really confuse your students.



10. Assign the same homework each night.

9. Introduce yourself each day with a new name.

8. Assign math problems for English homework.

7. At the end of each day, say "see you on Monday!"

6. Call a different student 'Little Johnny' everyday.

5. Ask for the lunch count at the end of the day.

4. Keep scratching your head while mumbling about lice.

3. For those in the U.S. - When reciting the Pledge, instead of saying "with liberty and justice for all"....say "with liberty and justice for penguins."

2. Whenever a bell rings, act scared and yell, " GET UNDER YOUR DESKS!"

1. Stand facing the wall and yell over and over "Class? Class? Where are you?"

Headline Blunders

Here are some actual newspaper headlines. I think someone should have proofread before printing.



1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

The Poodle, The Leopard and The Monkey

Here's a cute joke. See if you can find a moral out of this one. I think maybe the moral has something to do with staying out of someone else's business...lol.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and think s, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Colloquialisms

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (candy) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

BUZZACKS (buzz aks)n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Language is a Strange thing - 5 Interesting Facts

1. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

2. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

3. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

4. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

5. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

Easter Sunday

Here is a blooper from a church on Easter Sunday:

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!

Five Best Things to Say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

I don't know if you've ever nodded off at work or school, but here are some great suggestions to explain what you were doing.

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15-minute power nap; they raved about it in the Time
Management Course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here
just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK..

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

16 Unusual animal facts

1. The MGM lion that you see in their logo has been played by five different lions over the years.

2. Dalmatians are born without spots.

3. 3 out of 10 Dalmatian dogs suffer from hearing loss due to in-breeding.

4. Polar Bears are capable of jumping as high as 6 feet and can run as fast as 25mph.

5. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

6. Male seahorses produce offspring.

7. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

8. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

9. An albatross can sleep while flying.

10. German Shepherds have been known to bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

11. Humpback whales create the loudest sound of any living creature.

12. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

13. A chameleon’s tongue is twice the length of its body.

14. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

15. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

16. There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.

13 Weird Human Facts

1. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.

2. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

3. The average person laughs 13 times a day.

4. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

5. The color blue has a calming effect on people. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

6. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

7. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

8. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

9. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.

10. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

11. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

12. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

13. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

Church Bulliten Bloopers

Everyone seems to love "bloopers". There are special features on DVD movies that include goof-ups and faux pas. So, here are some church bulletin bloopers to tickle your funny bone. My comments are in red.

Ushers will eat latecomers. (nothing like a little incentive to get to church on time)

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. (They really must be feeling low)

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. (I don't think I'll give my recyclables to them after all! lol)

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.(Ouch - that musta hurt.)

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.(Self Explanatory)

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. (Ouch! Poor pastor...are his sermons really that bad? lol)

Thirty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why." (Ok-so they were a little off key. hehe)

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. (Sounds more like a spa than a church. lol)

Evening massage - 6 p.m. (again - sounds a bit like a spa...)

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. (I think this one might be a little hard to do)

The Why Questions

Here are some interesting Why Questions worth asking:

Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?

Why do we shut up, but quiet down?

Why do alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise?

Why do we yell, "Heads up" when we should be yelling "heads down"?

Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English"?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

Why are they called marbles if they are made of glass?

Music that makes you dumb?

I just heard about this study on a commercial. Yep - I am still watching commercials. haha. So, I looked it up on the net - very interesting!

Music that Makes You Dumb?
Is there "music that makes you dumb?" According to a CalTech grad student named Virgil Griffith there is. Griffith has conducted a somewhat unscientific study comparing music preferences of college students on Facebook with SAT scores.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1524133/music_that_makes_you_dumb.html

What the Movies taught me

I was just watching the show, "Myth Busters". They debunk unrealistic things that take place in movies. Sometimes, they manage to prove that something really can happen the way it did in the movies.


What the Movies Taught Me:

* Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if
the tenants are unemployed.
* One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
* It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
* If you are blond and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on
nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
* Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before
retirement.
* Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using
complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry
sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
* During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a stripclub at least
once.
* All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman
but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of
carrots with leafy tops.
* It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to
talk you down.
* If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or
fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your
lipstick will smear.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other
part of the building without difficulty.
* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary
to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel from time to time.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* A police detective can only effectively solve a case after he has been
suspended from duty.
* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able
to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the musician in your head.
* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is
assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Gas Prices - Joke

Everyone tends to complain about the price of fuel. Have a look at the price comparisons to other liquids. I believe these are U.S. prices.

Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

Aren't you glad your vehicle doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

The Cake

I don't know the author of this - it was sent to me by email. There's something to be said about telling the truth.

Have you ever done some baking for a church bake sale or for the local school? You are going to love this!

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group bake
sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying
her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured.She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake
another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the
center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they
think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.

That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers
at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the
cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob
who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a
single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.

Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay
away. The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust
Old South...To Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought
in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

"Thank you", said the snobby hostess,
"I baked it myself!"

Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD!."

Funny Church Signs

Churches are doing a great job catching attention with their great signs:

1. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

2. No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.

3. Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.

4. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.

5. It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.

6. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

7. Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!

8. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.

9. In the dark? Follow the Son.

10. People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

11. A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it

12. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking.

13. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are longand the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

14. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire Insurance soon.

15. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

I wouldn't advise strongly following these silly home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

How to charge an ipod with an onion

Are you feeling scientific today? Remember back in school when they had kids power a light bulb with a potato? Well, did you know that they are now powering not only light bulbs with potatoes, but now they are charging ipods with an onion?

Sidewalk Art

There are some great artists out there. My favorite are the artists whose creations look realistic. One such artist paints 3D illustrations on the pavement. Check out some examples of his work:

Optical Illusions

Have you ever seen the kid's show Bill Nye the Science Guy? He has some great science on his show. This particular clip shows some great optical illusions.

Tips for Chocolate lovers

Chocolate has it's own set of rules and tips. Follow this information and you can't never go wrong.

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll get one thing done.

3. How do you get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?
Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

5. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

6. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one
place. Now, isn't that handy?


Money talks ... Chocolate sings beautifully!

Diet tips for chocolate lovers

What is your favorite sweet treat? Perhaps chocolate is one of your favorites. Are you concerned that you will gain excess weight if you eat chocolate? Well - here are some good diet tips and news for you chocolate lovers out there! Enjoy!


Diet tips for chocolate lovers:

1. Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

2. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

3. If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, it's a balanced diet. Don't they actually counteract each other?

4. Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.

5. Sugar is derived from either sugarcane or sugar beets. Both are plants. This places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

6. To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So chocolate bars are a health food.

7. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.