Church Bulliten Bloopers

Everyone seems to love "bloopers". There are special features on DVD movies that include goof-ups and faux pas. So, here are some church bulletin bloopers to tickle your funny bone. My comments are in red.

Ushers will eat latecomers. (nothing like a little incentive to get to church on time)

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. (They really must be feeling low)

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. (I don't think I'll give my recyclables to them after all! lol)

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.(Ouch - that musta hurt.)

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.(Self Explanatory)

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. (Ouch! Poor pastor...are his sermons really that bad? lol)

Thirty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why." (Ok-so they were a little off key. hehe)

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. (Sounds more like a spa than a church. lol)

Evening massage - 6 p.m. (again - sounds a bit like a spa...)

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. (I think this one might be a little hard to do)

The Why Questions

Here are some interesting Why Questions worth asking:

Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?

Why do we shut up, but quiet down?

Why do alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise?

Why do we yell, "Heads up" when we should be yelling "heads down"?

Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English"?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

Why are they called marbles if they are made of glass?

Music that makes you dumb?

I just heard about this study on a commercial. Yep - I am still watching commercials. haha. So, I looked it up on the net - very interesting!

Music that Makes You Dumb?
Is there "music that makes you dumb?" According to a CalTech grad student named Virgil Griffith there is. Griffith has conducted a somewhat unscientific study comparing music preferences of college students on Facebook with SAT scores.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1524133/music_that_makes_you_dumb.html

What the Movies taught me

I was just watching the show, "Myth Busters". They debunk unrealistic things that take place in movies. Sometimes, they manage to prove that something really can happen the way it did in the movies.


What the Movies Taught Me:

* Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if
the tenants are unemployed.
* One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
* It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will
still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
* If you are blond and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on
nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
* Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before
retirement.
* Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using
complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry
sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
* During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a stripclub at least
once.
* All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman
but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of
carrots with leafy tops.
* It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to
talk you down.
* If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or
fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your
lipstick will smear.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other
part of the building without difficulty.
* You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary
to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel from time to time.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* A police detective can only effectively solve a case after he has been
suspended from duty.
* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able
to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the musician in your head.
* Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is
assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Gas Prices - Joke

Everyone tends to complain about the price of fuel. Have a look at the price comparisons to other liquids. I believe these are U.S. prices.

Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

Aren't you glad your vehicle doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

The Cake

I don't know the author of this - it was sent to me by email. There's something to be said about telling the truth.

Have you ever done some baking for a church bake sale or for the local school? You are going to love this!

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group bake
sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying
her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured.She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake
another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the
center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they
think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.

That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers
at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the
cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob
who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a
single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.

Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay
away. The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust
Old South...To Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought
in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

"Thank you", said the snobby hostess,
"I baked it myself!"

Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD!."

Funny Church Signs

Churches are doing a great job catching attention with their great signs:

1. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

2. No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.

3. Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.

4. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.

5. It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.

6. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

7. Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!

8. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.

9. In the dark? Follow the Son.

10. People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

11. A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it

12. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking.

13. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are longand the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

14. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire Insurance soon.

15. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

I wouldn't advise strongly following these silly home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

How to charge an ipod with an onion

Are you feeling scientific today? Remember back in school when they had kids power a light bulb with a potato? Well, did you know that they are now powering not only light bulbs with potatoes, but now they are charging ipods with an onion?

Sidewalk Art

There are some great artists out there. My favorite are the artists whose creations look realistic. One such artist paints 3D illustrations on the pavement. Check out some examples of his work:

Optical Illusions

Have you ever seen the kid's show Bill Nye the Science Guy? He has some great science on his show. This particular clip shows some great optical illusions.

Tips for Chocolate lovers

Chocolate has it's own set of rules and tips. Follow this information and you can't never go wrong.

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way,
at least you'll get one thing done.

3. How do you get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?
Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

5. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

6. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one
place. Now, isn't that handy?


Money talks ... Chocolate sings beautifully!

Diet tips for chocolate lovers

What is your favorite sweet treat? Perhaps chocolate is one of your favorites. Are you concerned that you will gain excess weight if you eat chocolate? Well - here are some good diet tips and news for you chocolate lovers out there! Enjoy!


Diet tips for chocolate lovers:

1. Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

2. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

3. If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, it's a balanced diet. Don't they actually counteract each other?

4. Chocolate is a vegetable. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.

5. Sugar is derived from either sugarcane or sugar beets. Both are plants. This places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

6. To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So chocolate bars are a health food.

7. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.