Headline Blunders

Here are some actual newspaper headlines. I think someone should have proofread before printing.



1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

The Poodle, The Leopard and The Monkey

Here's a cute joke. See if you can find a moral out of this one. I think maybe the moral has something to do with staying out of someone else's business...lol.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and think s, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Colloquialisms

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (candy) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

BUZZACKS (buzz aks)n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Language is a Strange thing - 5 Interesting Facts

1. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

2. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

3. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

4. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

5. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

Easter Sunday

Here is a blooper from a church on Easter Sunday:

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!

Five Best Things to Say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

I don't know if you've ever nodded off at work or school, but here are some great suggestions to explain what you were doing.

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15-minute power nap; they raved about it in the Time
Management Course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here
just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT
YOUR DESK..

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

16 Unusual animal facts

1. The MGM lion that you see in their logo has been played by five different lions over the years.

2. Dalmatians are born without spots.

3. 3 out of 10 Dalmatian dogs suffer from hearing loss due to in-breeding.

4. Polar Bears are capable of jumping as high as 6 feet and can run as fast as 25mph.

5. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

6. Male seahorses produce offspring.

7. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

8. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

9. An albatross can sleep while flying.

10. German Shepherds have been known to bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

11. Humpback whales create the loudest sound of any living creature.

12. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

13. A chameleon’s tongue is twice the length of its body.

14. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

15. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

16. There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.

13 Weird Human Facts

1. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.

2. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

3. The average person laughs 13 times a day.

4. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

5. The color blue has a calming effect on people. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

6. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

7. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

8. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

9. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.

10. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

11. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

12. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

13. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.