Funny Signs

I am sure these signs caught attention:



Sign on an electrician’s truck - Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop - We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area - If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room Door - “Push, Push, Push”
On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist’s Office - If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Scientist’s Door - Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist’s Window - Time wounds all heels.

Butcher’s window - Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot - Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.

Auto Body Shop - May we have the next dents?

Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Beauty Shop - Dye now!

Computer Store - Out for a quick byte

Diner Window - Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Music Library - Bach in a minuet.

Once upon a time...not very long ago

It's amazing how as a society we have become so dependent on computers. We do our work and school on them, balance our finances, search for shopping and phone numbers, stay in contact with friends and family, store our digital photos and our entire music collection, play games and many other things. Just a very short time ago really, computers were not a common household thing. They were a mere dream on a science fiction show or a clunky machine that you rarely found in large office buildings. The computer was for work only. Now we use computers as a part of our everyday life. (I can't wait until I get my computer back. A friend is replacing parts for me and reinstalling the operating system. A borrowed computer is great, but I miss my own computer)

Once upon a time...not very long ago

A Computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.

Windows were something you hated to clean

Ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girl.

Gig was something a band played at.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a portable piano.

Memory was something that you needed for tests at school.

A CD was a bank account.

A disc was something in your back.

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file.

Log-on was adding wood to the fire.

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

A backup happened to your septic system.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.

Paste, you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu.

What were they THINKING!?

These people in the following true life instances certainly weren't thinking. Maybe they needed more sleep. - my comments in red


AT WORK:

In a retail store:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.(Who'd have thought it?)

From an Environmentalist:
A tip from the Environmental Health and Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.” (ya think?!)

In the Neighborhood:
A semi-rural area recently had a new neighbor who called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. (When did deer learn to read?)

In Food Service:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


For Real?

1. At the airport, checking in at the gate, an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” The passenger said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.” (I'm not sure how this guy got hired.

2. At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to “downsizing,”, the manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. Everyone just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.(I hope it wasn't a foreshadowing of things to come)

4. An Individual plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.(Now THAT's funny!)

5. After arriving at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, the couple were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. Watching from the passenger’s side, the wife instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” She announced to the technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. - “I already got that side.”(Would you want him working on YOUR car?)

Author Unknown

Job Offerings

There are lots of people seeking work at this time of the year. College students are now finished and in search of summer jobs. As well, since some companies have been forced to downsize, so many people are out on the job hunt. In this economic time, here is what some companies are offering to perspective employees. Would you go to work for the company offering THESE incentives??


1. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

3. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

4. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

5. CAREER-MINDED:We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

6. SELF-MOTIVATED:Management won't answer questions

7. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend

8. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

9. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.

10. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

11. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

12. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

13. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

14. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Confused Students

Here's one for teachers. This is a way to really confuse your students.



10. Assign the same homework each night.

9. Introduce yourself each day with a new name.

8. Assign math problems for English homework.

7. At the end of each day, say "see you on Monday!"

6. Call a different student 'Little Johnny' everyday.

5. Ask for the lunch count at the end of the day.

4. Keep scratching your head while mumbling about lice.

3. For those in the U.S. - When reciting the Pledge, instead of saying "with liberty and justice for all"....say "with liberty and justice for penguins."

2. Whenever a bell rings, act scared and yell, " GET UNDER YOUR DESKS!"

1. Stand facing the wall and yell over and over "Class? Class? Where are you?"