KId funnies

These were recently sent to me in an email and I thought I would share them:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.
Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12.. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

T'was the Month After Christmas

Eaten too much over the holidays? Many people resolve to make New Years resolutions after Christmas as they usher in the New Year. Here's an author unknown poem that I found.

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Christmas Jokes

What To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like


10. Hey! There's a gift I've never seen before

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. Everyone has one of these - now I do too!

3. This will go great "Under" my trenchcoat!

2. To think -- I vowed to give one of my gifts to charity this year - this is perfect.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."


Thank You Notes

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.

The next year things were different, however.

"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"

"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."


Baby Jesus is missing

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

Old Fashioned Christmas List

Merry Christmas to Everyone.

Christmas is such a busy time of year. Take time out to enjoy Christmas with family or friends. Bring back some old fashioned fun and wonderment into Christmas.


1. Go door to door caroling

2. Go Skating

3. Have hot chocolate with a friend

4. Bake a birthday cake for Jesus

5. Share baked cookies with a neighbor

6. Play secret santa at your workplace

7. Say "Merry Christmas" to the bus driver, cab driver, store clerk etc.

8. Smile

9. Make special Christmas gifts (if you have the time)

10. Visit a seniors home

11. Volunteer for a charity

12. Just sit by a lit Christmas tree

13. Thank God for Life and all the good things in it

14. Go looking at lights displays

15. Spend time with your loved ones

16. Read the Christmas story with your family or friends

17. Invite someone to Christmas dinner

18. Stop trying to cram too many things into the holidays - quality is more important than quantity.

19. Remember this Christmas with photos

20. Don't go overboard with overspending - Visa or Mastercard may be very happy come January, and you may not be.

God's Pharmacy

This is some really fascinating information.

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.



A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.




Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.





A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.



Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.




Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.




Avocadoes, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (mo dern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).



Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.






Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.




Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries






Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just l ike the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.




Onions look like the body's cells. Research shows onions clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. Garlic also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

Onions - food or medicine?

I always check the validity of all those "warning emails" when I receive one in my email box. I just received an email that talked about onions being a cure for the flu virus. I tried googling to see if that was true or just a wives tale. While I didn't find much about the flu and onions, I did find some other interesting uses for onions. Have you ever tried any of these home remedies?

Smell remover
Eliminate the smell of paint from a room by leaving a peeled onion out.

Rust Removal
Slice an onion with a rusty knife and it will clean off the discoloration.

Athlete’s foot soother
Rub a sliced onion on itchy area until it's relieved.

Earache remedy
Put an onion slice over the ear opening until the pain subsides.

Eyewash
If there is a speck of dust in your eye, chop up an onion and let your tears wash it out.

Natural decongestant
An onion is a natural decongestant. Make some onion juice by slicing and put sugar in it. Swallow.

Smelling salts
Hold a cut onion under the nose of a person who is feeling faint.

Sting soother
If you have been stung by a bee or mosquito, cut an onion in half and hold it on the sting. It will cool the foot and take the pain away.

Wart remover
Rub a stubborn wart with a raw onion dipped in salt; repeat until the wart disappears.

Screen door de-mister
Rub a cut onion on the inside of your screen to prevent it from misting up on a cold morning.

Crayon Facts

Crayons have been around for years. I am sure we all remember having them as kids. Did you ever wonder what the story is with crayons and how they came to be? The most well-known of all crayon brands of course, is Crayola. Here are some interesting facts:

What is a Crayon? A crayon is a stick of colored wax Wax. Wax has traditionally referred to a substance that is secreted by bees and used by them in constructing their honeycombs.It is an imprecisely defined term generally understood to be a substance with properties similar to beeswax.(from absoluteastronomy.com)

Facts:
1. The first box of Crayola crayons was sold in 1903 for a nickel and included the same colors available in the eight-count box today: red, blue, yellow, green, violet, orange, black and brown.

2. Crayola crayons come in 120 colors including 23 reds, 20 greens, 19 blues, 16 purples, 14 oranges, 11 browns, 8 yellows, 2 grays, 2 coppers, 2 blacks, 1 white, 1 gold and 1 silver.

3. In the last 98 years, more than 100 billion Crayola crayons have been made.

4. The name Crayola was coined by Alice Binney, wife of company founder
Edwin, and a former school teacher. She combined the words craie, which
is French for chalk, and ola, for oleaginous, because crayons are made
from petroleum based paraffin.

5. Crayola crayon labels are only made in 18 colors.

6. Binney & Smith, maker of Crayola products, produces nearly 3 billion crayons each year, an average of twelve million daily. That's enough to circle the globe 6 times. It would take about 400 million crayons to go around the world.

7. The best seller is the 24 count box of crayons.