A dieter's menu

Do you hate diets? This is one diet that seems to start out right with healthy choices and end up looking very rich and tasty.



Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch:
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Tea:
1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner:
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack:
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Things we can learn from a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before arising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Funnny Phone Messages

What kind of message do you have on your voice mail? Mine is just one of those boring ones that say who we are and to call back. If you could think up something creative, what would you put on your voice mail? Some people had some time on their hands and came up with some funny messages. Enjoy:

1. "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

2. "Hello. Now it's your turn to say something."

3. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

4. "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

5. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

6. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

7. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

8. "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

9. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

Funny Signs

I am sure these signs caught attention:



Sign on an electrician’s truck - Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop - We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area - If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room Door - “Push, Push, Push”
On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist’s Office - If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

Scientist’s Door - Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist’s Window - Time wounds all heels.

Butcher’s window - Let me meat your needs.

Used Car Lot - Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.

Auto Body Shop - May we have the next dents?

Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Beauty Shop - Dye now!

Computer Store - Out for a quick byte

Diner Window - Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Music Library - Bach in a minuet.

Once upon a time...not very long ago

It's amazing how as a society we have become so dependent on computers. We do our work and school on them, balance our finances, search for shopping and phone numbers, stay in contact with friends and family, store our digital photos and our entire music collection, play games and many other things. Just a very short time ago really, computers were not a common household thing. They were a mere dream on a science fiction show or a clunky machine that you rarely found in large office buildings. The computer was for work only. Now we use computers as a part of our everyday life. (I can't wait until I get my computer back. A friend is replacing parts for me and reinstalling the operating system. A borrowed computer is great, but I miss my own computer)

Once upon a time...not very long ago

A Computer was something on TV from a science fiction show.

Windows were something you hated to clean

Ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girl.

Gig was something a band played at.

An application was for employment.

A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity.

A keyboard was a portable piano.

Memory was something that you needed for tests at school.

A CD was a bank account.

A disc was something in your back.

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file.

Log-on was adding wood to the fire.

Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

A backup happened to your septic system.

Cut, you did with a pocket knife.

Paste, you did with glue.

A web was a spider's home.

A virus was the flu.

Job Offerings

There are lots of people seeking work at this time of the year. College students are now finished and in search of summer jobs. As well, since some companies have been forced to downsize, so many people are out on the job hunt. In this economic time, here is what some companies are offering to perspective employees. Would you go to work for the company offering THESE incentives??


1. COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

2. FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

3. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

4. ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

5. CAREER-MINDED:We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

6. SELF-MOTIVATED:Management won't answer questions

7. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend

8. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around.

9. COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:We have a lot of turnover.

10. SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

11. CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

12. SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

13. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

14. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Confused Students

Here's one for teachers. This is a way to really confuse your students.



10. Assign the same homework each night.

9. Introduce yourself each day with a new name.

8. Assign math problems for English homework.

7. At the end of each day, say "see you on Monday!"

6. Call a different student 'Little Johnny' everyday.

5. Ask for the lunch count at the end of the day.

4. Keep scratching your head while mumbling about lice.

3. For those in the U.S. - When reciting the Pledge, instead of saying "with liberty and justice for all"....say "with liberty and justice for penguins."

2. Whenever a bell rings, act scared and yell, " GET UNDER YOUR DESKS!"

1. Stand facing the wall and yell over and over "Class? Class? Where are you?"

Headline Blunders

Here are some actual newspaper headlines. I think someone should have proofread before printing.



1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

The Why Questions

Here are some interesting Why Questions worth asking:

Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?

Why do we shut up, but quiet down?

Why do alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise?

Why do we yell, "Heads up" when we should be yelling "heads down"?

Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English"?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

Why are they called marbles if they are made of glass?

Gas Prices - Joke

Everyone tends to complain about the price of fuel. Have a look at the price comparisons to other liquids. I believe these are U.S. prices.

Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

Aren't you glad your vehicle doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

The Cake

I don't know the author of this - it was sent to me by email. There's something to be said about telling the truth.

Have you ever done some baking for a church bake sale or for the local school? You are going to love this!

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group bake
sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot about it until the last Minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it. While drying
her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But, when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured.She said, "Oh dear, there's no time bake
another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the
center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy this cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold! Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mother.

Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they
think of her? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed.

That night Alice was laying awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers
at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the
cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a friend of a friend and try to have a good time there.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a real snob
who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because Alice was a
single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.

Having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay
away. The meal was elegant; the company was definitely upper crust
Old South...To Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw it being brought
in. She started out of her chair to rush to the hostess and tell her all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

"Thank you", said the snobby hostess,
"I baked it myself!"

Alice sat back and smiled, "GOD IS GOOD!."

Funny Church Signs

Churches are doing a great job catching attention with their great signs:

1. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

2. No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace.

3. Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.

4. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush.

5. It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.

6. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

7. Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!

8. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.

9. In the dark? Follow the Son.

10. People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

11. A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it

12. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking.

13. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are longand the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

14. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
eternal fire Insurance soon.

15. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

I wouldn't advise strongly following these silly home remedies:

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know him or her.

Do You Ever Wonder?

I know these questions have been around for a long time. A friend emailed them to me just recently. So, have you ever wondered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible black crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you cry under water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lip Balm Test

This joke has been around for awhile. It's set up similar to the old candid camera episodes where people were set up for staged interviews or tests.

Computer Humour

Love your computer, but hate the quirks?:
Here's some Computer Humour:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.