Happy Mother's Day - Things you would never hear a mom say

Wow - April came and went with a flurry of activity.
It's almost Mother's Day.
Here are some things that you would never hear a mom say:

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and
walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm
running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Funnny Phone Messages

What kind of message do you have on your voice mail? Mine is just one of those boring ones that say who we are and to call back. If you could think up something creative, what would you put on your voice mail? Some people had some time on their hands and came up with some funny messages. Enjoy:

1. "Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

2. "Hello. Now it's your turn to say something."

3. "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't want to talk to. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

4. "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."

5. "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

6. "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

7. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

8. "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

9. "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

The Poodle, The Leopard and The Monkey

Here's a cute joke. See if you can find a moral out of this one. I think maybe the moral has something to do with staying out of someone else's business...lol.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and think s, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Gas Prices - Joke

Everyone tends to complain about the price of fuel. Have a look at the price comparisons to other liquids. I believe these are U.S. prices.

Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

Quart of Milk for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon

Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

Aren't you glad your vehicle doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

Computer Humour

Love your computer, but hate the quirks?:
Here's some Computer Humour:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.